The Moosetrap/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW [ electronic beeping ] you ever seen one of these? It's called a g.P.S., which stands for -- well, who cares? The point is this thing uses satellites to tell you where you are, which means that every man can have a $500 reason not to ask for directions. But that isn't nearly as good as what I've come up with. I got myself one of these animal tags that have the little transmitters in them they use to track animals. You've probably seen them on those nature shows where some animal lovers are trying to protect the species, buy shooting them with a tranquilizer dart and then stapling one of these in their ear. Well, here's what I've done. I've made earrings and put one of those transmitters into every pair. But here's the best part... I made a whole whack of these earrings, and I gave the prettiest pair to my wife bernice. She's out right now, but I'm sure she's wearing them. That's way better than g.P.S., eh? 'cause g.P.S. Only tells me where I am. Hey, if I'm having a good time, I don't care where I am! But with these transmitting earrings, every time bernice comes home early or saunters out to the garage to see where the smoke is coming from, this baby starts beeping, which gives me time to hide the damage or at least come up with an excuse. [ electronic beeping ] oh, man. She wasn't due back for a couple hours. Hi, honey! [ beeping continues ] [ beeping slowly dies ] [ cheers and applause ] thank you very much. I appreciate that. All right. Thank you. Well, I had quite an experience last night, and when I got home, bernice was standing there, wearing her coat and I couldn't smell dinner cooking or anything. I noticed that the power was still on. And then it struck me... It's our anniversary. So I decided to take her out to the dinner theatre up in port asbestos, because... She'd already bought tickets for that. Uncle red! [ cheers and applause ] you went out last night. How was the dinner theatre? Oh, my gosh, I'll tell you, that chez ralf, it's a rip-off. Thirty bucks, you get three little potatoes; you get a dinner roll like a golf ball -- and I'm talking with the backspin. And they give you some sort of a cornish chicken thing that had the muscle mass of a chiuhuahua. Well, you know what they say... A fool and his money eat at ralf's. And the play, oh, man, brutal. Yeah, it was called "the mousetrap". So I'm waiting and I'm waiting. The only mouse I saw come out of the kitchen. In fact, I think they keep mice in there, in case somebody orders ribs. Oh! Oh! Oh! You know what we could do? Know what we could do? Know what we could do? We could open our own dinner theatre. Yeah, that porch behind the lodge there, it holds, like, 100 people. Yeah, and at 30 bucks a plate, that's... A lot. Oh, we're gonna need a play. Well, we'll just take an existing play, and we'll change it just a little bit. Nobody around here will notice, that's for sure. Oh, okay, well, what are we gonna do about actors? Harold, whenever you have married men, you have actors. It's time for the possum lodge word game! [ cheers and applause ] today's winner receives this coupon for 200 air sickness bags. Ideal for carrying your lunch before or after you eat it. Okay, cover your ears, harold. Uh, mr. Green, you've got 30 seconds to get harold to say this word... Yeah, all right, mike. And... Go! Okay, harold, what do you call people who come over to your house? My dungeons and dragons club. Okay, that's my fault. Okay, what do you call people who come over to my house? Exterminators. No, okay, no. A group of actors together form... An unemployment line. No, okay. Okay. If you have like maybe 20 guys in the army, that's called... The canadian military. [ applause ] you're almost outta time, mr. Green. Okay, harold, let's say the day comes when you're gonna get married. So you would send out invitations... "harold green requests the pleasure of your..." daughter. To accompany me up the aisle. There you go. Good boy. [ applause ] [ ♪ ] and now we come to the experts portion of the programme, where we address those three little words that men find so hard to say... Audience: I don't know! [ giggles ] okay, today's letter reads as follows... "dear experts, "we went on a long trip recently and my wife was driving, "so I got a chance to look out the windows. "I noticed that when you have two couples in the same car "there is a lot of seating choices. "can you tell anything about the couples "based on where they sit in a car?" well, you gotta look at the level of conversation that's going on. Like, uh, if the men are doing the talking, they're dating. If the women are doing the talking, they're married. Right. And what if nobody's doing any talking? They're married. They're married. Well, what if everybody's yelling? Married. They're married. Now, if you've got the two guys in the front seat and the women in the back seat, they are definitely married. And if you've got the two women in the front seat and two guys in the back seat, they've been married a while. Well, what if everybody's in the back seat? Dating. Dating. Dating. [ applause ] you know, when harold had his first business trip last year, the guys at the lodge were so happy he was going away, they all chipped in and got him one of these laptop computers. The problem is the name laptop scares me because harold's lap is no place for anything valuable. Which got me thinking... If they can make a portable computer, why can't some goofball make a portable desk. Well, guess what... Some goofball has. Now, this may look like a regular garment bag, but it's actually a business traveller's dream. If you do a lot of business travel, it might be a recurring dream -- or a recurring nightmare, depending on where you're going. Now, inside, on top, we have our neatly folded suits. And underneath we have our neatly folded desk. Tv trays: They're not just for pathetic bachelors any more. And of course, you've gotta have a flashlight and a clothes hanger. Those are essentials for any executive. Who wants a desk without a desk lamp? Now, the rest is up to your imagination. The garment bag itself becomes my modesty panel. And I've added a pant hanger with the metal clips to my desk lamp. Of course, you're not gonna hang your pants on there, unless you work for the government. Instead, you're gonna hang the best part of your pants, your wallet, or as it's also known... Your rolodex. And of course, you can't travel without travelling music. Transistor radio oughta take care of that, huh? [ signal not tuning in ] [ country music plays ] okay, now all we need is one of those fancy name plates, to add that final touch of sophistication and there's our portable desk. It's quick, it's simple, and it's ready to hit the road. So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should -- [ ♪ ] I wanna talk to you older guys out there about the dangers of shopping for your wife. Most importantly, I'm talking about her reaction to that gift you just bought her. Now, I know some of you have been buying her gifts for 25 or 30 years, and you think you're getting pretty good at it. Well, you're not. The truth is that men run out of good gift ideas after about the fifth year of marriage. That's when the phrase, "oh, I love it honey. "it's just what I wanted." is replaced with, "did you keep the receipt?" I know we've all been there. That time you bought her the picture of the dogs playing poker. Or the year you enrolled her in the barbeque sauce of the month club. Remember when you got her that hilarious fish that sings when you clap your hands? [ chuckling ] I'll tell you what the good news is, eh? You don't have to get too upset about it, because all you gotta remember is one important thing when you're shopping for your wife... Men are from mars; women have taste. So the next time you're shopping for a gift for your wife, look around the shop. If you see something kinda special, something unique, something you would honestly like to have yourself, get the heck outta there, because, buddy, you're in the wrong store! Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together. Well, buster hadfield wrote up the script for our dinner theatre play. Rehearsals start today. I'm not actually in it because I'm allergic to vegetables, especially when people are winging 'em at me. Uncle red! [ wolf whistles and applause ] [ louder wolf whistles ] it's not a ballet, you know? This is an acting technique. We have to divest ourselves of our own personas so we can take on a new character. And in your case, it's probably a good idea. There's a typo in the script, red. Buster called it "the moose trap", instead of "the mousetrap". No, no, no. It's not a typo. It's "the moose trap". Okay, it's loosely based on "the mousetrap". It's identical! Same plot, same characters. No, no, see? Ours is called "the moose trap". That way we don't have to pay any royalties. "the mouse trap" has been running for 50 years. We're not gonna fool anybody. Don't be so sure, harold. The mayor of possum lake has been running for 60 years, and he still fools everybody. You know what? We need you to rehearse this. Ann marie is gonna be in the audience, and I get enough bad reviews at home. All right, well, let's do, uh, act three, scene four, "the bloody aftermath". Now, uncle red, as an actor, I'm not sure of my motivation in the scene. I was hoping maybe you could help me with that. Yes. Yes, I can, harold. So your motivation is to do what it says in the script. Or we get somebody else to play the part. Okay, see, I needed that. Yes. Yes, I did too. All right, dalton, go ahead. You've got the first line. It's just that I'm nervous, you know. And I don't want wanna be the worst one up there. You've got some nerve, little man, but maybe if we... Work together... We could find a copy of the old lady's... Will! Looks like you're safe. I think so! Red: I was killing time out behind the lodge waiting for walter. Had some drum sticks. You know, you get drumming away there, and you gotta get a beat going. Walter had kind of a chinese thing going, which is perfect I didn't understand it at first, but apparently he'd gotten himself some new little toy that he wanted try, he wanted me to be the guinea pig on. They use these things now in some of the big cities. Not just in china, but everywhere. I think it's called a rickshaw. Boy, they pack up pretty small for the size of it. So walter wanted me to get in there, so, all right, I'll give that a chance. Gonna feel like the shaw (shah) of somewhere. I'm sitting there, and he takes her -- don't exactly understand the physics of this, and I'm questioning it -- oh! Oh! That has gotta hurt. So apparently I wasn't sitting far enough back. You've got to put the weight back, like it is on my aunt. And there, look at -- the way he runs scares me. But as we started going up a hill, again, I guess my weight was too far forward, and he started to dig in a little bit, so he asked me if I would move back. And you know, I probably over corrected. And I knew this can't be good. Oh! Oh! Okay, you know what? That's enough fun for me for one day. Why don't you get in there, walter, and I'll try? Yes, I'll try. But I'm not actually gonna pull it manually. Seems like a better idea to me. Now, my plan was to take him up onto the four-lane, but unfortunately, I had to go up a hill first, and some of the hills around possum lodge are not all that smooth, and I hit a pothole. I probably should have had some kind of a hitch because, uh -- some -- we decided we should just put the rickshaw away for the day. And I came in there, hoping walter was okay. And it was like going to the vet, like those dogs wear. That was just his hat. I took that off, and that damaged his ears. Then I could yell at him. It was a great hat. It was a great day. And we'll probably never do it again. [ ♪ ] oh, hi, everybody. Ranger gord here, with another one of my animated educational shorts. Now, this particular one is all about pollution. And more specifically, I'm against it. You know, when I'm in the great outdoors, I always harken back to that old adage... Take nothing but photos, leave nothing but footprints. Unless, of course, you're doing something weird, in which case, those things will be used against you as evidence later on. [ chuckles ] seriously. Anyway, enjoy the film. [ ♪♪ ] [ ♪ ] hi, folks. Today I'm gonna teach the whole world to clean up its act. But first, we need a mascot. Why, here's a cute little fellow. Can you say, give a hoot, don't pollute? Can you say trademark infringement? Uh, right then. Let's begin our lesson with noise pollution. [ rock music blasting ] now, obviously, we can't have this kind of noise in the forest. It's impolite, irresponsible and incredibly dangerous. So is the music! And here comes the hibernating bear we just woke up to finish the job. Ohh-aww! What do we do, gord? I know. Why don't you take this motorcycle to safety? Good idea. Hey, sweet ride. Yeah, sweet nitrous oxide ride, you mean. Greenhouse gases are a constant threat to us all. But fortunately, you can't do too much damage... With a potato in your tailpipe. I'm gonna put a potato in your tailpipe, gord. Well, there'll be plenty of time for recreation later, red. Now, let's fly this chopper! Red: I can't believe you're making us pick up litter in the dark. Gord: The pollution solution is a 24/7 job, red. Now you know what I go through every day. Harold: Wow! It's amazing how much garbage people leave around a campsite. Gord: Actually, it's not a campsite at all, harold. You've been cleaning my place for the past hour. [ laughing ] ah! This isn't your apartment, gord. You're right. Who's place is this? [ screaming ] well, folks, we've had a lot of fun tonight. But there's nothing funny about pollution. You said it, paul the pollution bear. Whew! So he was your mascot all along. I thought he was going to attack us. Oh, paul's still going to attack you. Giving environmental tips is his job. Eating you is just -- well, it's just a perk. Ah! Wait a second, paul. You don't wanna eat me. I'm, uh, polluted. Oh, uh, it's true! [ laughing ] [ applause ] [ loud booing ] well, the dinner theatre thing seems to be going pretty well. We decided to serve hamburgers. We already had lots of hot dogs on stage. [ loud booing ] geez! Okay! Okay! Is the play over? Well, for us it is. That is the worst audience I have ever seen. They do not know how to appreciate good talent. We don't know that, harold. They were throwing french fries at us. It was humiliating. Well, look at the bright side. At least we didn't give them cutlery. [ loud pounding ] we can't go back out there, uncle red. Well, how far into the play were you? We were at the murder scene. Winston was dying. We all were. [ loud booing ] well, that's enough of that! That audience has no respect for the dead. Right now they envy the dead, winston. It was awful. I'm laying there on the stage, and they pelt me with mustard and hot peppers and tobasco sauce! Are you all right, winston? Yeah, I'm okay. A little heartburn, but -- [ possum squealing ] harold: Meeting time! Yeah, you guys go ahead, all right? I'll be down in a minute. [ whimpering ] listen, the butler did it, okay? [ applause ] I'll be downstairs. Okay, if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting. Uh, the dinner theatre thing didn't go so good. Wasn't really broadway, not even off-broadway. It was just off, which, coincidentally, part of the phrase the audience was yelling. [ tentative laughter, then laughter ] and to the rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and harold and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. [ cheers and applause ] sit down. Everybody gotta sit down. Sit down, everybody. All rise! Quando omni flunkus moritati. Red: Sit down. All right, men, bow your heads for the man's prayer. I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to, I guess. All right, men, the whole dinner theatre thing, that's all over with. And we have some food left over. We've got 40 pounds of ground beef, 65 pounds of french fries, and I'm not exactly sure how much ham. What do you guys weigh? Closed captioning performed by intercaption canada www.Intercaption.Com